It's been almost half a year since I last wrote an entry here- but I think that works out. Not everything I have to say is thought-provoking or deeply personal or anything like that.
The death of my lovebird Ensui prompted this particular entry. It's the first time in quite a while that I've had to deal with the prospect of death in this capacity. I've had old family friends die, and familiar faces in my life die, but nothing provided the same heart-wrenching reaction of pure, unspoiled grief as watching my pride and joy of the last 3.5 years die so suddenly, so vividly, and so undeservingly before my very eyes. I couldn't even react fast enough to have her pass away in my hands, and the entire house was filled with my screams of despair and sorrow. It's a wonder no one else was around and called the cops based on my hysterics.
It's been a full day now, and I feel like a shell of my usually energetic self. Ensui's death feels like a freshly made hole torn straight out of my heart- filled now with only the echoing silence of the rest of the world. Everyone's condolences and calls have been sweet and appreciated, but the feeling doesn't last long. Not even Forest and Tweet- the two other lovebirds in my bedroom- fill the void left by Ensui. What was grief-stricken and tearful at the drop of a hat has graduated to this hollow person going through the motions of everyday life: trying to reclaim her activities of finding a new institution to study art, working on her portfolio, even talking to loved ones and laughing at a joke. Nothing feels genuine. Nothing feels right. Even the task of eating is a struggle that I'm fighting to win.
As much as I try not to remember those harrowing five seconds that have completely destroyed me, everything else about it has left me questioning and wondering. Mom advised me to pray to God for guidance and strength to help me heal and eventually move on, but being agnostic, I can't just do that. But still, the questions remain- about life and its never-changing uncertainty, about death and its finality, and what happens once we meet our end. I often wonder where Ensui's spirit. I dreamt of her twice. The first was about her flying in Heaven and landing on people's heads and sounding off in their ears, or landing on the desk of a Saint and proceeding to destroy their paperwork to build herself a nest. The second was of her taking the form of this beautiful spirit- complete with wings and the colors of her plumage- walking along the seawater that inspired her name. I wonder if my lack of a belief in a God will prevent me from ever 'seeing' her again. I wonder if I'm just being silly and that the only end I'll meet will be the same that she has met- just an end. I wonder if my fear of not exisiting is justified, and the knowledge that Ensui will never exisist the way I knew her again is supposed to be this frightening.
The only reality I'm facing now is that she's gone. My baby is gone. The world continues to spin, but for me, it's like my entire world has imploded.
The family has agreed to have a custom stone planter made in her honour, with her name attached to it. We're going to bury her body in it and transfer some of the plants from the balcony into it so that it'll serve its purpose. We [and this 'we' involves me and my brother] have also decided that we would not replace Ensui with another bird, or any other pet for that matter. Other pets may come into the frame for the family, and maybe for me as I get older and continue my life elsewhere, but there will be no replacing what Ensui became for us- especially for me as her owner.
This pain is something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. i know losing something precious to you would be hard... but I didn't know that it could destroy me so thoroughly. And I don't know how I'll take the loss of an individual.
Pain of Loss
Posted by L. Braynen at 6:33 PM 1 comments
