The Pros and Cons of Holding Your Ground

Those who know me on a more personal level know that I can be incredibly forthcoming, stubborn and resilient at times. Those who know me even more than that know that I'm taht way for a reason.

Everyone always feels as if they are attacked for something that is inherently 'them' for any reason, at any particular time. Usually this is because the attacker is blissfully ignorant of what she/he has done, or in general is just a bitch who cares naught for decency and/or tact.

Of course, you also have the handful of persons who are in a unique position of seniority and therefore use that leverage to push you into whatever they think is best or right for you. These are also the same people who then call you disrespectful when you stand firm to yourself [cuz no one else will, let's be honest] and refuse to bend- mainly because you feel like they aren't compromising anymore than you are after taking their side into consideration. [if you've figured out that i am referring to parents by now, congrats]

When I was in Dallas, I learned this quote "It doesn't matter if you're dead right, or dead wrong- either way, you're still DEAD." And I liked it a lot- it spoke volumes to my more aggressive side and basically told me to be careful of which battles to pick. I will be honest and admit that I have not done the best job of living to that mantra. But on the flipside, I've been raised in an environment that constantly had me putting up my guard and lashing out against what I felt was inherently wrong. That's not to say that my household is abusive- far from it. When we're good, we're REALLY good. But when we have our differences, it REALLY shows.

With all of that being said, it brings me to my main point- when is it ok to fight to protect your sense of self? When are the consequences worth it?

I'll give two examples to demonstrate.

1) I finished up my final class in COB with a teacher who I have a lot of respect for due to her technical prowess and amazing skill. Where me and her clash, however, is her method of critiquing. There's a way to critique and not come across as a bitch, IMO, and I don't think she really gives a rat's ass about me or my progress. She never has before- I can count on one hand the times that she has actually helped me and not just take pot-shots at my work.

But at least when there are faults in my work and I know that, I don't protest her remarks. I do the same with all of my teachers- I explain my process and what I did, in the hopes that they can tell me exactly where I went astray, and how I can improve. Whenever I do that with her, she reads it as me giving an excuse for shoddy work.

So naturally, when I stand up for myself after she aims at my personal character [dubbing me unable to take suggestions and criticism, when this has been refuted time and time again] during the final critique, she hits me in the one place she can- in my GPA. By giving me a C, she has effectively destroyed a semester and a half's worth of work that I did to climb my way back to a 3.03 GPA.

My mom says that I sunk myself with my mouth. Honestly? Stacking my work up with everyone elses', I was borderline shit. My stuff was terrible in comparison, and I'll be the first to tell you that. So how much of a personal swipe was the grade?

So did I do the wrong thing?
Either way, I wasn't going to let her have the satisfaction of spreading slander and having me submit to her. So I'll take the hits.

2) My mum has not hidden her attempts to pull me away from pursuing a degree in art. She made that perfectly clear as early as Grade 11 when I wanted to go to SCAD. When I got my acceptance letter from COB that said I was in AA Art, and not something like Education or English, I had to fight with her to convince her to keep me in the program.

As I now prepare to graduate, the talks have started up again. Mum wants me to have a more rounded education- which I can appreciate. But does that mean I HAVE to put my passions on the back burner? Why does it have to be something I can take up as a side job or hobby?

A part of me knows it's mainly because of finances. Valid enough point, it's far more costly to study art than most other subjects which can be taught at traditional institutions. Another part of me knows it's because of her own educational background- her being denied the chance to finish college due to the upheaval in her home country. All of this is once again stuff I can appreciate.

But if I've looked at the many other options seriously, and have decided that it would be a waste of time and money sending me somewhere where I'm miserable and studying something that I NEVER had the same type of passion for, why is this matter still being pushed?


I may be good with kids, but I don't want to teach.

I may enjoy reading about politics, but I'm not going into law or political science.

Yes I participated in GYLC in 05 and I have an interst in world affairs, but that doesn't mean International Relations is where I need to be.

I like to write and I'm fairly decent at it- why does that mean that I should major in English? Or Journalism? Or anything of that nature?


My passion is ART. I enjoy creating with my pencil and my paper. I weave stories in my head and plan them down, I daydream about scences in my head, and I have the desire and the newly-found drive to learn how to make my visions reality. This has been my goal since I was three years old, and nothing else has stayed so steadfast in my life than this once crucial part of me. Is that so wrong to fight for? To find ways for me to study this without breaking your bank accounts and be happy doing what I love?

Is that so wrong to want and protect?

Thursday, April 30, 2009